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The 7 Reasons why you are the way you are now. (God help us all..)
Turkelton
wolf_ketsueki


Any of you remember watching things before you knew what they were? Maybe it was something as simple as Pokemon which you later found out was anime (which those of you wearing your earred hats right now nod in a successful yes while those others of you that are just jerking off right now were probably the ones that accidentally got a hold of your parents' closest porn vid. In which case, we apologize, mostly because we feel bad that this shitty article is the best you can do for porn. Seriously, you have the whole internet dude.)

But enough of that. Let's get down to the basics.

1. Crotch Shot

Your niece or littler sister or little girl neighbor or mentally challenge dog needs something to watch so they don't piss the floor from boredom right? (Okay, maybe just the dog. We said maybe.) You look for the closest thing to you, and oh, look! It's a vhs (because we seriously doubt they'd actually restore this for dvd). It's a copy of Sky Dancers! You remember this from years ago, and how much you loved it! Let's put it in and share the love with whoever just took a piss on your floor and bask in the memories of your childhood while the urine smell settles in the carpeting.


Today, we googled SkyDancers but all it gave us was this Transformer. FML

Not even a minute into the thing and you remember why you stopped watching it. They start introducing the characters in a montage like fashion to crappy kid music like every 90's kids show, only they decided to spice up the angle shot. And by spice up, we mean the artists and the writers had one hell of a night at the bar. (We're also 100% convinced hookers were involved based on this.)


"Dude, you remember that gymnastics chick last night? I'm soooooo adding that to the opening!"

Now, is it just us, or does that totally look like a set up for a strip club/rave at Barbie's mansion? Look out Ken, I think you may want to take another lok at Barbie and this Angelica girl. I mean, really, can Barbie bend that low? Come on, her boobs aren't even real!

2. Gay Asses, No, Seriously

Take a second to be reminded we are not homophobics. We're totally against the whole homophobia shit. But, really, when you start to have rainbows shoot out your ass like a fucking Care Bear who had one too many Lucky Charm stuffed hot dogs and beans, we start to worry.

Now, see the creators, after getting over their hangover, realized they needed to man up the show a bit to appeal to not only girls but guys too and possibly scar them for life. (Minus the 'possibly'.) This is probably one of the many sources of homophobia seeing as NO ONE wants sparkly rainbows firing out their butts like some NASA experiment gone horribly, horribly, wrong.


"Three...two....one....LIFT OFF!"

Wait, go back. Are their names "Gentile?" What, is this a joke or something? Never mind, they aren't over their hangovers yet. I mean, come on, they misspelled GENITAL.

Though, the first clue for us should of been the rainbows bursting out of their asses.


"Look, Joe! They're farting up a rainbow storm!"

3. You were killed by a fairy too? Weird.

As the show progresses, you remember it was all based off of a toy. Yes. A toy. You'd pull a string and it would go spinning around and around in the air then fall back down probably like most celebrities do nowadays. You hop onto the internet to find one, only to see that they were discontinued in 2000 due to the fact it actually wounded people. Yes, that's right.
Over 100 kids were hurt by fairies.
If that doesn't say we seriously need to give our kids more exercise then I don't know what does.

But just imagine this for a moment, as your child pulls the string to their new SkyDancing Toy (that also has two boy versions we are SERIOUSLY concerned about) you can explain to the cops and the hospital and the child safety council why your kid was whacked in the face by a fucking fairy doll. Unless you were one of those poor 100 some kids, then just sit back and relive the terror induced nightmare trip to the ER as a fairy doll's wing was lodged in your ear, or cheek, or butt for all we know, I mean, hey, they have rainbows shoot from there, who knows what crazy trend is in now.


Come on, I mean, that thing just SCREAMS doom!

4. Note to self: Fat guy+body suit tights = Exploding eyes and Scarred Childhood



I don't even want to talk about this one. Moving on.

5. Don't mess with Fairies, they have SRS ABS now.

As we seeped further down into the couch whilst watching the horror our parents let us par take in while they were out probably screwing each other or some random guy/lass, we're not sure, you begin to understand why there are so many, uh, 'Pride' thing in this day and age.

After all, being physically fit is always good, right?


"Let's wrestle like real men, then go fly up to the Wingdom on the magic rainbow cloud, okay, Breeze?"

It's now a fact. Gay men are ripped.
Or maybe just male fairies. Wait..

You know, it could also be that the creators realized after their hangover were REALLY OVER, (I mean, god, how long can one of those last, anyway?) that they didn't even like women in the first place, so the guys needed some sprucing up. Especially after making the terrible mistake of making every child crap their pants from getting a taste of what a pedophile is from just he mere glance from that fat guy in the tights, they needed some "real men".

6. Aliens and Fat Guys jizz upward.


"Mommy, look at all that magic coming up from him!"
"Is that what they're calling it nowadays?"


7. We don't even have a Title for this.

You know, the more we look at this, the more we come to think that Sky Dancers was really just a fucked up remake of the baby of Jem and Winx, only instead of singing they made it dancing.
Take the 80's styled (possibly 70's) clothing.
Mix it with some fairies or pixies, we're not sure at this point.
Throw in magical powers.
A crappy intro.
Male fairies.
An academy.
Music.
Drunk guys with an over obsession for rainbows, or had the worst luck of finding jobs during the whole economy crash ordeal.
And ta-da! You now know the recipe to harming a child's brain forever, which would explain why you wonder why they love wearing black so much after seeing this.

But you know what, maybe we were wrong about this whole thing. Let's search sky dancers and rainbows and see what we ge--



Ohshit.

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